All the while I was thinking I was not going to be keeping my promises to my own Mommie to always keep nice flowers on her and her parents graves when they were gone... I always told her that I would make SURE that both she and Grandma, Granddaddy, Daddy, Aunt Kay and any one else who passed on would always had nice flowers on their graves as long as I was alive. I am alive and I am unable to keep that promise because I got caught speeding in my car trying to take care of my family while they were dying around me. I tried to be there for each of them at their time of need. As it turned out I still lost them, was not there for them and now I am unable to keep my promises to them. I am as low as I can go and I do not want to "feel better". I am done, I am tired, I am angry at everyone and I do not give a damn about anything now. I never thought I would turn out this way. Not ever. But here I am. I do know I need help, I did ask for it. Now it is to late and I do not care if they try to help me. I think I will do or not do what ever the hell I want or not want to do no matter what it may or may not do to or for others. It has changed me completly. I am not afraid of death. I am looking forward to it! I see joy in it. So tomorrow all I will think is my sister will not be seeing me or her Mother or getting to go to her grave. She will be laying in a nursing home not being able to talk but knowing she is there and I am not. I will be knowing this plus knowing that I will not be keeping any of my promises So if I do care it will eat me up. If I do not care, I live but I am a shell of hate and emptiness A vacuum void of feeling. Happy Mother's Day to those of you who still have kids and Mother's who love you and you love them. Enjoy it while you can. Someday this may be you sitting alone typing this. I sure hope not. I hope no one ever goes through this. Not like this. Today I find out that a friend dies and I know he died to stop the pain on the inside. And for the first time I understand. And I am glad for him. He hurt and now he does not. Problem solved. He is in a beautiful place. If it is the same place I saw when I died 2 times at Fayette County Hospital in 2010. I so wanted to go back to that place. I did not want to come back to this place called Earth. Earth hurt to come back to. Now I know why I had to live. I have to be in Hell first. Hell is here. And I am living it on Earth.
Peace to you, I will have peace when I die, Cheryl Seigel
AKA FreeBird100CS Creations
Wow how true this turned out well mostly. I hate more than I don't. That is not the Cheryl I once knew... Later loved ones I still think of with warm thoughts mostly. Some not so much some a lot more than others...
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